Tuesday, March 07, 2006


A Treatise on Israeli Tour-Guides

So my competitor thought she had them down, eh? Don't listen! I've got David Attenborough* in to write up my anthropological experiment! Here are the ones that she forgot...

1) The Male Chauvanist

TMC is a Sabra man who has spent his life charming and chasing tourist women. He has one hand permanently placed on his crotch, and tends to "readjust" every few moments (the frequency increases if he is talking to young women.) He loves the land and is fiercely protective of it. He adores talking about where he's been, the women he's had and where he's had them: he's been known to stop next to a rock or a woodgrow and tell you the whole story, foreplay to finish.

Favourite Site: Latrun (plenty of nookie tales)
Most Likely To Say: "Come on, guys- we'll leave the girls on the bus to talk about girl stuff.
Favourite Book: His own memoirs, to be published shortly

2) Crunchy Granola Woman

CGW is aged 20-70. She wears long flowing dresses, sunglasses, sandals and a Kheffiye, whatever the weather. She talks incessantly about the spirit of the land and of the Jewish people. She specialises in conservation, and will even cry when discussing the deforestation around Road 6. She listens intently to every comment anyone makes to her, nodding with empathy and understanding at every word, even if it is the simple request "May I please use the bathroom."

Favourite Site: Coral Reef, Eilat (good conservation discussions)
Most Likely To Say: "I salute you, Dear Tree!" -pre hug
Favourite Book: Flora and Fauna of Biblical Israel/The Giving Tree

3) Charming Brit

CB is a young, dynamic, religious male immigrant who, when asked by the visiting tourists where he is from, will promptly reply "Jerusalem- just like you..." thus winning the hearts of all he guides. He has legions of female fans and knows it. He delights in proving that he is not just a pretty face, and likes to whip out his Tanach at every opportunity. He sees his role as a tourguide as a performance art and a prime way to attract the attentions of the opposite sex, but even the men become his admirers once they have seen his staggering effects on women. A range of cute lines underlining his unstinting Zionist fervour, alongside a British accent, complete the proven charm.

Favourite Site: Tel Dan - Biblical, Historical, and Breathtaking- a great place to pull!
Most Likely to Say: "Over here guys, listen to me" accompanied by shy smile
Favourite Book: Israeli Tour Guide Manual (in Hebrew. Of course.)

4) Hogwarts Tourguide.

Hogwarts Tourguides are a secret Israeli tourguiding society, unbeknown to the rest of the tourguiding world. Without any distinguishing features, they mainly sit around discussing Tel Arad, Capernaum and Har Herzl until the early hours in tongues unintelligble to mere Muggles. They cast spells upon their visiting groups (which unfortunately don't work on visiting family) to adore them, buy them expensive gifts, and to set them up with their rich offspring. They also cast spells to provide them with handsome, single bus drivers. They must eat large amounts of sugary snacks for sustenance or else their powers are broken.

Favourite Site: Anywhere. Knowledge is unlimited.
Most Likely To Say: The Confundus Charm
Favourite Book: Men Who Love Dragons Too Much

*S contributed to this post :)

Would a Brit really say this?

Most Likely to Say: "Over here guys, listen to me
That Brit (and many others in Israel whose language has been polluted by imperialist Americanisms) absolutely would.
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